Adult Children of Blamers (ACOB)

 

Many people spend their lives blaming everything but themselves for their circumstances. I use the term "Adult Children of Blamers" (a humorous take-off on the Adult Children movement) to describe such unfortunate people. You probably know such people (maybe intimately) – the ones who blame everything from the government to global warming (and that’s just the "G"s) on why they can’t get ahead in a given area of their life. They would rather go no where in life with a good excuse, than to be a winner by facing challenges without excuses. These people probably were well taught by their parents to blame, hence the name "Adult Children of Blamers," but many, I suspect, are first generation blamers.

It feels good to blame, to know that something didn’t go the way you wanted it to and it’s not your fault. It removes the guilt, thus freeing us of some tension and stress. This is a healthy response when it’s true. But more often than not we are just creating an excuse for why we failed, rather than a plan to succeed next time. Blamers will then defend the excuse to the death! For some people (Blamers) winning an argument is more important than being right.

I once knew a man who argued he should be able to cross the street any time he wanted, whether he looked both ways first or not, because pedestrians have the legal right-of-way. I argued with him that he could be killed doing this, but he didn’t get my point. I finally realized that he was a Blamer and I stopped arguing with him (Blamers have a short-circuit in their ears). I told him that he was probably right (DEAD-right), and went on my way.

Remember this phrase: Blaming is shorthand for "I’m not going to do anything!"

If you create an excuse for something that happened to you and its beyond your control – what is left for you to do? NOTHING!!!! And doing nothing is the second pay-off (and greatest reward) for blaming. Realize that when you hear someone blaming they are not going to do anything about it, ever! Test this theory to your own satisfaction. The next time you hear someone blaming something besides their own actions for failure, check back in a month to see if they have done anything to solve the problem (95%-99% of the time they won’t have). Play a game - Recognize this pay-off of doing nothing and see if that is why you, or someone else, are choosing to blame. I love this game, I often catch myself blaming and then have to turn my thinking around and take action.

Favorite Blaming Strategies:

  1. I was born under-privileged

  2. It’s easy for them – they have special "talents, skills or gifts"

  3. The government

  4. Taxes

  5. Society

  6. Lack of money

  7. "Unlucky"

  8. It’s "their" fault (insert your favorite fall-guy)

  9. If only ……

  10. Parents

  11. My situation is different

  12. They don’t have my problems

  13. People are picking on me / out to get me

  14. The system is unfair

  15. I’m too old, uneducated, married, single parent, Etc.

 

The list can be endless (and it is), but what blamers see as stopping points are most often only obstacles – things to be overcome. They fail to see that blaming takes away their power to overcome challenges and lead more productive and happy lives. In blaming we take a victim’s role – we give up the power we have to positively influence our lives and circumstances. This cheats of all the good things we could have had in our lives. Shakespeare said "we often lose the good we might have had for fearing to attempt." Blamers are a fearful people - afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid to work, and afraid to look bad. Blaming is a coward’s defense and a form of lying.

The way to move out of blaming and be more effective individuals is to TAKE ACTION! Action is the source of all success! It is the actions we take, not the ones we think about, that do us any good. Nothing works until you do! Henry David Thoreau said "Things do not change; we change." He was describing the very act of putting aside blaming and taking action in our own self-interest, regardless of your circumstances.

Stop blaming – don’t limit yourself any longer! There is always a way to get the results you want if you are truly committed to achieving your outcome. Don’t cheat yourself with excuses, where you could be enjoying results! Ask yourself what you CAN do instead of what you can’t do! This is one of the highest signs of maturity a person can show and a great way to live.

Try to create an ACTION orientation to life and see what happens. Life has too many real obstacles without us creating self-inflicted ones. Don’t be the very obstacle that stops you from getting what you want from life! Remember: It is the actions you take today that create your future!

Writer:

Paul J. Cline MA CAGS LMHC LADC

(Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Licensed Addiction Counselor)

Owner of Advanced Counseling Services, Keene, NH (603) 357-1708

Copyright 2000