Has your relationship "gone down hill?" Is your marriage "in a slump?" Don't feel bad, it happens to most couples, especially those that are married. The good news is it doesn't have to be this way! If you are willing to put some effort behind your desire to improve your relationship and will utilize some suggestions, chances are you will see a dramatic improvement in the quality of your relationship.

These suggestions can be used by individual partners, but the true benefit comes from BOTH partners agreeing to use these tools. You should also be willing to use these tools for at least one month before deciding if they work or not. It took a while for the relationship to "cool down," so it will also take some time to "heat up."

Before we start, let's look at some of our relationship myths. First off we must understand that while it may be COMMON for relationships to lose much of their passion, it is not NORMAL. Relationships tend to lose their passion because we fail to maintain the relationship properly. Relationships are WORK! Without work (effort) relationships fall apart like anything else you ignore, your car, house, physical appearance/health, etc. The majority of people go to a tremendous amount of effort and heartache to find that special someone. Once they find them they breath a sigh of relief that the struggle is over, put their feet up and stop doing most of the things that made the relationship great in the first place. This is the "Ultimate Disaster Formula" for relationships, and we all fall for it at some point in our lives (myself included).

The second major myth about relationships is "FOREPLAY." When polled, men typically believe that foreplay should start 10-30 minutes before sex, and women respond that foreplay should last 15 minutes to an hour before sex. Sorry folks, your both wrong! Foreplay should start when you wake up in the morning and stop when you fall asleep at night (occasionally interrupted by sex during the week). The word "foreplay" as it should be used, is "the showing of love, affection and appreciation of your partner." This means working on the relationship during the day if you expect to have passion at night. There will be tips on how to effectively show "love, affection and appreciation" to your partner that will surely add some spark.

The third key myth concerns communication. Let me make it simple, "If you can't communicate with your partner, you are already alone!" Many people live together leading quite lives of desperation because they have lost the ability to talk to each other over time. Communication doesn't have to be difficult, take "baby steps" and work your way up with the suggestions I am offering.

Let's get to those suggestions and get the ball rolling! Remember, try these suggestions for at least one month!

Hygiene Factors. Remember when you were first dating? You would always shower, put on cologne/perfume, pick out just the right outfit, and you were always worried that your hair looked good. You were a relationship genius back then, WHY did you stop? Try doing this again, (the worst thing that could happen is they will give you a promotion/raise at work) see how you feel and how your partner responds.

Appreciation. This has two parts, demonstrating and noting appreciation. Demonstrating appreciation is taking your partner out to dinner "just because you love them." Noting appreciation is thanking them for their efforts or qualities. Example, "thank you for cooking such a wonderful meal" or "I have a great time when we do things together, you are a lot of fun to be with." Appreciation works wonders with very little time or effort.

Spending Time Together. This is what being together is all about, but as time goes on we tend to forget to put enough time aside to simply be together, with the focus completely on us. This is usually a slow, devious, shift in priorities or focus which occurs if we are not watchful, especially with the distractions and commitments of family, work, etc.. Make sure you put your relationship high on your priority list. Also, make this time special whenever possible, avoid doing the "same-old-thing."

Communication. Communication is a long topic, just a few tips here. Let your partner know what your needs are! Your partner needs to know your needs before they can fulfill them. If you don't tell them, don't expect them to "somehow know" (mind reading and clues don't work). Learn how to let your partner know if something is bothering you without hurting their feelings. Two keys, make this a "partnership rule" to share feelings and share them as soon as possible when they come up (don't wait!).

Love Letters. You can't go wrong with this one. Write each other a love letter (preferably with a card included) telling your partner how you feel about them and what you appreciate about them, in loving terms. Also, let them know what the positive things you see for the future are. Don't apologize for anything in the first letter, you can do that in later letters when the person is more responsive to such things and has seen positive efforts on your part.

Touch. Touch is very important! Remember when you were first dating and you couldn't wait to touch your partner? Remember how good it felt to touch your partner and how warm, secure and loved it made you feel? Try holding hands while walking or watching TV together, or put your arm around them. Try kissing your partner for no reason, you don't need one! Also make sure that you give your partner at least one passionate kiss a day (20 seconds or longer! If you are afraid of getting wet, bring a towel).

Gifts. Gifts are a great way to show you care! Remember, the cost of the gift has little to do with the appreciation of the gift, it is 95% the appreciation of the thought, effort and love behind it. Chocolates, flowers and cards are good, taking the time and effort to create a special night out or a intimate meal is great! Don't be practical, a blender makes a lousy gift and you may have to duck after presenting it.

Surprise Your Partner. This is how you put some spontaneity back into the relationship and show appreciation. Try a surprise picnic, take your partner to a motel and soak in the Jacuzzi, give them a special back rub with oil, or go on a day-trip in the car to someplace nice (I like the beach).

Use these concepts to create new ideas which will continue to enhance your relationship and which match you and your partner's style. If you are still having difficulties you may want to consider professional counseling (the entire course of treatment is generally cheaper than 6 hours spent with a divorce lawyer).

 Writer:

Paul J. Cline, MA CAGS LMHC LADC is the Owner of

Advanced Counseling Services in Keene, NH (603) 357-1708